Motivational Humor – Dave Glardon

Don’t Blink!

April 8, 2024April 8, 2024 by Dave Glardon, posted in Uncategorized

Good morning! I hope your day is off to a great start.

Today is a special day for much of the United States. In a few hours, most of us will be able to see the sun and the moon at the exact same place in the sky at the exact same time. Granddaddy used to always say it’s a lazy man who can see the moon in the daytime. Well, if it blocks out the sun completely, does that still count? I think nature has to take some of the blame for this one.

And if you think a full moon brings out the best in people, imagine a dark full moon in the middle of the day. People are traveling from around the country and spending more than $1000 for a single night in a fleabag motel to find a coveted spot in the roughly 110-mile-wide path of totality, where the moon will completely block the sun … for exactly four minutes. I get to see it for free.

Of course, based on the price of these high-tech disposable viewing glasses, it may be one of the last things I’ll ever see. I take some of the best vitamins known to man to help keep me from getting sick, but apparently my eyes are only worth $1.99. For the record, I spent six times that much on lottery tickets this weekend. Hey, you’ve gotta have priorities.

My grandson was asking why it’s such a big deal. Okay, he’s 24 and will likely live long enough to see another one. Odds are, I won’t. So, at the appointed time, I’ll be standing in my front yard with my $1.99 glasses protecting my eyes from what could be my last chance to view such an amazing event. I’m sure I won’t be alone.

Between inflated gas prices, astronomical lodging rates, and all the extras (tee shirts, anyone?), some of these people are paying a lot of money to watch a cloudy sky do what it does every night. According to the Carly Simon song, an egotistical acquaintance once flew his Learjet to Nova Scotia for the same view. Hopefully he was equally dedicated to his other endeavors.

I guess the question that comes to mind is, how many of these people would be willing to invest a fraction of the time, money, and effort, to build an income that would allow them to fly their own jet to the next one? How many, while driving days to witness four minutes of darkness, will pass the time sharing dreams and discussing ways they could work to achieve them?

We all like to say we’re too busy to take on anything new, but when something like an eclipse comes along, time just seems to materialize. And that’s okay, for a once in a lifetime event. But what about when the moon moves on, and the sun comes back out? Will we find the time to chase some of our own dreams? Or will we go back to whatever we’ve been doing all these years?

Thankfully, most dreams don’t come with an expiration date. You’re never too young or too old, and plans we made ten years ago can still be put into place. We just have apply the same sense of urgency with which we’d chase an eclipse. Or a new romance. My grandson has mastered that one.

That’s all for now. If you have the chance, get outside and enjoy the view. It’s an experience you won’t forget. Meanwhile, have an awesome day!

It’s a Puddle – Step Over and Move On

March 25, 2024March 25, 2024 by Dave Glardon, posted in Uncategorized

Good morning! I hope your day is starting off well. For those of us in the northern hemisphere, spring is almost here!

It’s been a while since my last post. I know, that happens now and then (more now than then, it seems). I’ve had lower back pain for several years and, the end of January, it paid me back for all those decades of abuse. Well, I should say it began to pay me back. The punishment lasted close to a month, and any time I tried to work around it, I found out real quick who’s boss. Here’s a hint – it’s not me.

Thanks to modern medicine, I’m about back to normal, or my interpretation of the word. I can sit and stand and walk, which is something I’ll never again take for granted. And thanks to modern insurance, I get to do it all again. Back pain can come from a lot of sources, and apparently one wildly successful pain injection doesn’t prove a thing. We have to prove it twice. Fun.

We were supposed to leave this frozen tundra a week after I went down, but it’s hard to drive 1800 miles when you can’t sit upright more than 3 minutes. And my wife refused to drive that distance with me laying across the back seat. One trip to the doctor was enough for her. Okay, so I complained about her acceleration and braking and turning and her uncanny ability to find every single bump in the road. Sue me.

But, when life hands you lemons, you make whatever drink takes your mind off the fact that you’re not where you want to be and way too old to throw a tantrum. Alcohol may have been involved. And in case you’re wondering how much bourbon it takes, don’t even try. I’m told there’s a limit, and it’s not nearly enough.

Since we couldn’t leave for warmer weather, we improvised. Which means we kept the blankets out a while longer. Meanwhile, my wife was able to reschedule her second hip replacement for last Thursday. With two brand-new hips, she’ll be running circles around me in no time. Actually, I’m okay with that. I can just sit there and watch. If she starts running in a straight line, it’s all over.

Life doesn’t always go the way we’d planned. I’ll wait while you pick yourself up from the floor. But following a plan is easy. It’s when the brakes go out that you prove your worth as a driver. You don’t cancel the trip. You change your pants, fix the car, and get back on the road. The destination hasn’t changed. Just your means of getting there.

We all have visions of where we’d like to be and how we’d like things to go. Call it what you want, but at its very essence, that’s a dream. It’s an imagined outcome we hope to achieve. That may be as complex as building a second income or as simple as getting to work on time. Regardless, there will be obstacles. But obstacles were made to be overcome. And with each one, you get stronger.

As you start your day and your week, expect the unexpected. Come to terms with the fact that, no matter what, the unexpected will not change your goals. The dream is still alive. You just may have to take a different path to get there.

That’s all for now. Follow your dreams, no matter what stands in your way. You’re bigger and stronger – trust me. Have an awesome day!

Fix What You Can, Then Run Like Hell

December 22, 2023December 22, 2023 by Dave Glardon, posted in Motivational Humor

Good morning, and happy Friday! I hope you’re having a wonderful day.

Last week, we talked about making the most of our limitations to enjoy what’s left of our time on this planet. Hopefully, we’ll all be here for a long time to come, but we should still live each day as if it would be our last. That doesn’t mean live like there will be no consequences. If you do something you’ll pay for the rest of your life, you’ll probably live forever. Just ask Keith Richards.

As we age, things change. You ever wonder why old couples are so nice to one another? It’s simple. We can’t run as fast as we used to. Or duck. Observations I may have shared years ago have transformed into quiet chuckles of how funny that thought may (or may not) have been. Besides, I may want to eat a meal she’s cooked at some point. Spit is the least of my worries.

While those limitations may keep us out of trouble, they also get in the way of those fun things we wanted to do. Like skydiving. It’s something I’d like to try, but my left ankle collapses just getting out of bed. Plus, I’ve not been able to find any instructor willing to test the integrity of a parachute with me strapped to his chest. I’m pretty sure there’s a weight limit.

But I’ve often said that medical issues and physical limitations are valid only to the extent that we do something about them. Beyond that, they’re just an excuse. And you know how we love our excuses. Remember Redd Foxx on Sanford & Son? “It’s on account of my arth-a-ritis!” And if that didn’t work, he’d grab his chest. “It’s the big one! I’m comin’ to join ya, Elizabeth!” I’ve used both.

There are some things we just have to live with, but to the extent we can correct them, we should at least try. My wife has suffered with a self-destructive hip for ten years. It’s a hindrance, but she never wanted it to be an excuse. So, I used it as one of my own. “We can’t go dancing on account of her hip.” It’s saved me a lot of public humiliation over the years. And she doesn’t mind.

Last week, she finally bit the bullet and got a new hip. As the surgeon described the procedure later, I realized not all surgery is delicate and precise. He used instruments that were made for heavy truck maintenance. Think pry bars and air chisels. At one point I thought I heard a jackhammer, but that may have been from the dental clinic next-door.

And he didn’t mess around. He completely destroyed that old hip so there was no way she’d change her mind, and then replaced it with a bionic hip made of cobalt, titanium, and two complete sets of ball bearings, like they use for dancers and athletes. So, there goes that excuse. Guess I’ll have to enroll in dance lessons. And learn to run fast or be nice. She has the upper hand, now.

At the very least, she’ll be a lot better than she was. And the biggest challenge now me not becoming her excuse. “I’d love to go rock climbing, but Dave’s back can’t handle it.” Go ahead, sweetheart. I’ll stand here and catch you if you fall! She may have been gullible enough to marry me, but she’s not stupid. Besides, she still thinks she needs me, and I’m not about to prove her wrong.

If something is holding you back, odds are you can make it better. Nobody wants surgery, a diet, or a new exercise plan. Okay, not sane people. But don’t just settle for excuses. Fix what you can, and deal with the rest. You may not be able to move mountains, but you can walk to the edge and give ‘em a good hard kick. At least then you’ll have a real excuse to fall back on. Fix what’s broken and see what’s left. It may be less than you think. Until then, have an awesome day!

Work Is Important – So Are You!

September 18, 2023 by Dave Glardon, posted in Uncategorized

Good morning! I hope your day is off to a nice start.

At the start of a new week, we often take time to plan out the days ahead. What’s coming up at work, deadlines that are approaching, meetings we’ll have to attend, and so forth. We think about things around the house, especially anything outdoors, because weather may play a factor. Shopping, cleaning, laundry, repairs – it’s always something.

If you were to write down everything you plan to do during any given week, you’d quickly find out why next Monday’s list includes some of the same things because they didn’t get done this week. That’s the story of my life. Every time I tell my wife I need to do some cleaning in the basement, she just rolls her eyes. We both know it’s not gonna happen.

This past weekend, I had plans to start writing a book. The idea hit me last week and, after a couple of days excitedly churning through possible ways to approach the topic, I was ready to roll. I even set up a keyboard on the dining room table so I could work there. Well, as it turns out, keyboards are not telepathic … they only work if you sit down and use them.

I can point to any of a dozen different things that kept me from following through on my plans. Church, shopping, getting new glasses, adjusting to those new glasses, dinner with our grandson … the list goes on. But the simple truth is I just didn’t do it. I didn’t clean the basement, either. Just thought I’d put that out there before anybody asks.

Especially for those of us who work, our own goals always seem to take a backseat to everything else. The boss talks about prioritizing, but what they mean is we should prioritize the things they want done. But hey, once that’s all done, you can do anything you want. You know, in your spare time. Is it any wonder we never prioritize our own goals?

Work-life balance is a key part of our mental state. As humans, we need to be doing something productive. That’s just how we’re wired. But if the things we do are always for somebody else’s benefit, it’s easy to lose sight of why we’re doing it in the first place. Sure, we get paid. Awesome. But there has to be more to life.

Tombstones rarely mention a person’s profession or how many years they worked. Apparently, those things only matter to the coffin’s occupant. The rest of the world sees a name and two dates. But, between those two dates are the period we call life. And it’s up to us to cram as much living as possible into that time span. Not work – living.

As you look ahead to your week, don’t forget to make time for the things that matter most to you. That may be game night with the kids, a walk in the park, planting flowers, a special outing, starting a business, or writing a book. Whatever it is, if it was important enough to occupy your thoughts for more than a few moments, it’s important enough to make it happen.

That’s all for now. Have an awesome day!

It Ain’t Over Till the Fat Lady Sings

September 15, 2023September 15, 2023 by Dave Glardon, posted in Uncategorized

Good afternoon friends! I know, I know … morning was gone several hours ago. But sometimes we do these things when we can, right? I sure hope you’re having a nice day.

Things change as we get older. I guess that comes as no real surprise to anyone. Prices go up, energy goes down, and music will just never be the same again. Can I get an amen? Sure, that’s just the short list. There are also plenty of aches & pains, but thankfully there are also plenty of doctor visits to discuss them. My diagnosis is pretty much the same. I’m old.

And it doesn’t help when the doctor’s advice is to slow down. Oh sure, they want me to be active. Walking, swimming, riding my bicycle, and things like that. Funny they never mention skydiving or happy hour. But, during all this activity, I have to keep my blood pressure under control, and my days of lifting heavy weights are over. Or, so says the doctor.

Now, it’s not like I ever lifted really heavy weights anyway. Even when I went to the gym on a regular basis, I kept it within reason. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. But to tell me I can’t pick up a bag of salt or bench press a running lawnmower is hard to handle. It’s like telling me to be less of a man. Worse yet, I have to watch younger people do these things for me.

I could cry about it, or I can do what I was going to do anyway – fight back. I may never be the nimble young stud I once was (stop laughing!) and my grandkids may have to climb into my lap on their own. Thankfully, they’re still willing to do that. Another thing about getting older – grandkids tend to outgrow their grandparents. That’s the hardest one to handle.

Equally difficult is looking back at all those missed opportunities and latent dreams. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled with my life, and there’s not much I’d change if I could. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to roll over and just take whatever life throws my way. Besides, I’m the one who abused this body all those years. I’ve earned it.

But with every new day comes new opportunities. It may be the same old opportunities or something completely new. As a comedian, I always reminded people that we don’t stop laughing when we grow old – we grow old when we stop laughing. The same is true of opportunity, and life. But the sad fact is, too many people stop living long before they die.

As long as we have air in our lungs and food in our belly, we have the ability to enjoy a more complete and vibrant life. Yes, that vibrance may fade over the years, but it never completely goes away. It’s our ability to make the most of life, and those opportunities, that determines whether we spend our days living or wasting away. You already know my choice.

Give this some thought over the weekend. Just because you missed an opportunity once doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. And the fact that you can’t run as fast as you used to, or jump as high, doesn’t mean you’re bedridden. Life is what we make of it. Make yours count!

That’s all for now. Make the most of the day and have an awesome weekend!

Waiting for Tomorrow? It’s Here!

June 16, 2023 by Dave Glardon, posted in Uncategorized

Good morning, and happy Friday! I hope your day is off to a nice start.

It’s been almost three weeks since my stroke, and I’m happy to report that I’m getting a little better each day. I’ve lost some strength on my left side, but that should come back. Other than a dull headache for the past two weeks, I feel pretty good. I guess God isn’t done with me just yet.

I can’t say enough about the staff at Tucson’s Banner University Hospital. Everybody there was just awesome, including the nurse who took the full brunt of my post-surgery nausea. I won’t go into detail, but if you’ve ever seen The Exorcist, that pretty much sums it up. She got two showers that day.

It’s hard going from working every day to full-time recuperation. Not that I miss work all that much, but sudden change is not always easy. I don’t plan to retire for another year, but one thing I can say for certain – I absolutely must find something to occupy my time before then. Sitting around is not my thing.

I’ve known for years that my retirement will involve some kind of ongoing income. That’s what happens when you wait until you’re almost 60 to start saving. Like most others, I spent my younger years scraping by, with little concept of the fact that time wasn’t standing still. Retirement is for old people, and only people like my dad planned for that eventuality.

Yet here I am. The young guy who used to live in the mirror has been replaced by the aging image I see each morning. Getting out of bed requires planning and pre-positioning, and even climbing the six steps into our motorhome can be an effort. Aging is definitely not for sissies. On the other hand, a little alcohol goes a long way, so that’s a plus.

The thing about aging is that, when we’re young, we wonder what tomorrow may bring. Later, we wonder where all those tomorrows went. All those things we planned to start “someday,” the trips we were going to take, the book we were going to write, the business we were going to build, the legacy we wanted to leave behind. What I wouldn’t do to have some of those tomorrows back.

Well, today is yesterday’s tomorrow. Waiting for “someday?” It’s here. Sure, there will be others, but how many are we willing to squander before we put our plans into motion? One? Ten? A thousand? They add up faster than we think.

Thankfully, I got through this challenge with the ability to continue my plans for the future. But that could have all changed in an instant. Nobody knows when a crisis may hit, or how severe it may be. All the more reason to plan for the future now and put those plans in motion while you still can. What’s the worst that can happen? Hitting your goal too soon?

That’s all for now. Have an awesome day!

Tomorrow is Here – Get Busy!

March 10, 2023 by Dave Glardon, posted in Uncategorized

Good morning, and happy Friday! I hope your day is off to a great start.

So, there was an segment on the news last night about an asteroid that may or may not crash into the earth sometime in the year 2046. You know, in case you had plans for 2047. Okay, there’s about an 8 percent chance we’ll be in its path. Seems to me we could just step on the gas and get out of the way or blast it toward Pluto. Nobody liked that one anyway.

I would like to think I’ll be around to see what really happens. I would be 88 by then, so I’m not placing any bets. But I think we all tend to live our lives as if tomorrow is pretty much in the bag, even if “tomorrow’ is 8,400 days away. People ask all the time if you knew today would be your last day, what would you do differently? Well, sorry folks. I can’t say that out loud. But you can bet it would be fun!

We were asked that question in a class one time. I remember saying I’d go skydiving. My wife even offered to pack the parachute. This is the same woman who once gave me a gift certificate to the office of Dr. Jack Kevorkian, and I don’t know if she’s ever seen a parachute up close. Let’s just say she wasn’t a fan of my mid-life adjustment.

It amazes me sometimes how we put our complete faith in people we’ve never met, from airline pilots to investment brokers, or even astrologists. Yes, that’s the word I meant to use. I don’t argue with astrophysicists. They’re good at math.

The point to all this is, none of us knows for sure what tomorrow will bring. Sure, it may bring illness or heartache. But odds are, it’ll be another fairly routine day in a fairly routine life. If we want it to be anything more than that, today is the day to set the wheels in motion. From the driver’s seat, thank you. This is not the time to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Weekends are a great time for rest and reflection. Okay, they’re a great time to catch up on all the stuff you didn’t get done during the week. But they’re also the perfect time to sit back, have a drink, and focus on our dreams. You may or may not come up with a perfect plan for achieving those dreams. But nothing happens unless we try.

No, tomorrow is not guaranteed. But if tomorrow comes, wouldn’t it be nice to spend it doing something you love? You can. We all can. It just takes a little imagination and commitment. The rest is easy.

That’s all for now. Have an awesome day!

Your Best May Just Be Enough

March 6, 2023 by Dave Glardon, posted in Uncategorized

Good morning! I hope your week is off to a nice start.

First, an apology for the disappearing act last week. The guy who never gets sick did what he never does and … well, you know. It doesn’t happen very often and, thankfully, it never lasts long. If you’d like to know my secret, it’s simple. Diet, exercise, and clean living. You believe that, right?

On the other hand, I’m glad I wasn’t lost in the wilderness, because not one person came looking for me. Not even my wife. Of course, she’s sick, too. Let it never be said that Dave doesn’t share.

To look at me, you’d never guess I’m as healthy as I am. I’m old, I’m fat, my suspension is worn out, and I couldn’t stand up straight if my life depended on it. Exercise? Sure, I walk every day. From my office to the kitchen or bathroom. After that I have to sit down and rest. I had a heart attack 15 years ago, and I don’t go anywhere without my inhaler. Yet, I’m the healthiest I’ve been in decades.

How does that even make sense? It’s simple. I try to control the amount of junk I consume, and I’m as active as I can be given my lower back issues. And I take vitamins. Really good ones. Sure, they’re not cheap, but illness can be pretty costly, too. And, according to my blood tests over the years, what I’m doing is working. You know what they say – don’t mess with success.

Okay, I’m not trying to sell you on vitamins. In fact, most doctors don’t think we need them. Of course, they don’t make much money from healthy patients. “Diet and exercise.” That’s their advice. Eat the right foods and get 150 minutes of exercise every week. And then we go out into the real world of convenience foods and lower back pain.

I read last week about a study that found if we got even half the recommended amount of exercise – just under 11 minutes a day – we would see some pretty impressive health benefits. Sometimes, we have to be satisfied with what we can do instead of focusing on what we can’t. And once you’ve mastered 11 minutes a day, it’s not that hard to work in a couple more.

I joke about my physique, but the fact remains this body has to carry me all the way to the end. Yours, too. When you think of the demands we put on our body, it only makes sense to put something back into it. Small changes are better than no changes. You may never attain that ideal level of health and fitness, but you’ll always be glad you tried.

That’s all for now. Have an awesome day!

Bring Out Their Best With a Little White Lie

February 24, 2023February 24, 2023 by Dave Glardon, posted in Uncategorized

Good morning, and happy Friday! I hope your day is off to a nice start.

Three days ago, I attended an honors choir concert by the Ohio Heritage Conference. This was no ordinary event. It included students from 11 different schools, each nominated by their respective band and choir leaders, all thrown together for a single day of rehearsal and one amazing show. My granddaughter was among those selected.

Any time people start thinking the future is doomed, all they need to do is attend an event like this. A school play, an ice cream social, or maybe a regional competition. It was several dozen students who had never met one another before that day, all focused on one thing – sharing their very best in a flawless performance. I could easily see these kids performing in the White House.

There was also a band concert, along with an impressive display of arts and crafts. The talent in all those areas was incredible. But rest assured, they didn’t all start out that way. Have you ever sat through a school band concert? Both of my girls played in the band, and let’s just say there’s a reason I need hearing aids.

Especially at the elementary and middle school level, it’s a sound that sends cats running into traffic. Clarinets and violins are the worst – like nails on a chalkboard. And anybody who believes parents shouldn’t lie to their kids has never been to one of these things. “You guys sounded awesome!”

Yes, we have to walk that delicate line between encouraging our kids and stuffing our ears with concrete. My parents did it, yours did, we all do. Why? I mean, why not give them an honest critique so they can get better? One reason … the glow on their little faces as they finish a screeching rendition of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

But they don’t sound like that forever. The more they practice, the better they get. And those words of encouragement stack up along the way. None of us is born with the ability to do these things. All it takes is a basic level of God-given talent and the confidence and determination to excel. And when we combine those elements, the result is truly incredible.

Every one of us is a kid at heart. We all seek some level of validation, and we all have that inner desire to excel. If the people you’re hanging around with aren’t supporting your dreams, you need some new friends. Find some people who appreciate your abilities and your goals and will challenge you to be your best. Then keep working at it. You may just amaze yourself! That’s all for now. Give your kids & grandkids an extra hug and have an awesome day!

Who’s Knocking On Your Door?

February 20, 2023February 20, 2023 by Dave Glardon, posted in Uncategorized

Good morning! I hope your day is off to a nice start.

People have always told me you’re judged by the company you keep. Sound familiar? And it’s true. Until my final years in high school, I spent my time around other people who were getting good grades and staying out of trouble. In other words, I got beat up a lot.

Through the years, I’ve adopted a mindset of acceptance and, as a consequence, I often find myself conversing and working with people I wouldn’t necessarily invite to dinner. Every one of us is imperfect in our own unique way, and I’m pretty sure there’s a reason others aren’t tripping over one another to invite me into their home. It works both ways.

Still, throughout my life, people have said it’s important to spend your time with people who embody the life you want to live. If you want success, hang around people who are successful. If you want respect, hang around people who are respected. The idea is that at least a little of what they bring to the table will rub off on you. And it makes sense.

So, all you have to do is go to a members-only yacht club and start hanging around with rich people, right? Yeah. It’s not quite that simple. Because the whole time we’re attempting to rub elbows with them, they’re looking at us and saying, “Hope none of that rubs off on me!”

I heard a speaker last week who suggested that, just maybe, we need to try being the kind of person we hope to attract. That’s a twist! So, instead of being turned away from their door, we want them to knock on ours. We want to present ourselves in a way that makes them say, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

That’s not as easy to do when you live on the wrong side of the tracks, you actually get dirty at work, and your car gets 42 miles per quart of oil. Let’s just say it’s not a turn-on for the rich and famous. But there are still things we can do to make ourselves more appealing to those we want to attract. We did it when we were dating. The same rules still apply.

I tell my grandson all the time that it takes very little effort to comb your hair, put on clean clothes, smile at people, and talk like you didn’t just get out of prison … even when you’re in Walmart.
Psychologists say we form an opinion of others in the first five seconds. Well, guess what? They do, too. And those first impressions can make a world of difference in who chooses to spend their time with us. Food for thought.

That’s all for now. Put on a smile and have an awesome day!